Warning: This post might be a bit graphic for some readers!
This week I had the pleasure of getting an “around the world” length tube sporting a GoPro weaved up my ass. The actual procedure itself was a piece of cake, but unless you are living under a rock—you probably know that the day before prep is what makes the colonoscopy “famous.” Pounding down specially brewed laxatives and gallons of Gatorade makes for a “full-filling” experience (pun intended). I can’t even count the number of times I performed the universal sign for gagging that day.
After an evening of “giving it my all”—even more than 100 percent in my estimation—I got a few hours of sleep before my 7 a.m. stage call. To my surprise when morning came, 100 percent plus was evidently not enough. All the way to the clinic I felt like I was going to burst, like a loaded tick approaching a flaming match. That old softball chant of my youth came back to me (over and over and over again). . .
Going on first, your pants are about to burst
Diarrhea, clap, clap – Diarrhea, clap, clap
Going on second, you need some disinfectant
Diarrhea, clap, clap – Diarrhea, clap, clap
Going on third, your pants begin to turd
Diarrhea, clap, clap – Diarrhea, clap, clap
Going on home, your pants are filled with foam!!
Diarrhea, clap, clap – Diarrhea, clap, clap
I was so worried about potentially “spray pooping” on Dr. Jensen, that I nearly needed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation upon arrival (and, a bullet train ride to the bathroom). Thankfully, one of the nurses recognized what must be a common look of horror on my face and mentioned that they would be suctioning me out before we got started. And, most importantly—it would happen while I was asleep. Phew!
As soon as I was sleeping with assistance, the GoPro snake was unleashed and I don’t remember a thing about the procedure. Upon awakening…life was like a fairytale as I was still enjoying glorious sedation. I was Cinderella going to the ball with my open-back flannel gown and no panties to boot. Soon, my princely husband came to pick me up and said nothing as I tooted up a tornado for the entire 20-minute car ride home. This is apparently a mandatory bodily function post-procedure, as you need to rid yourself of the wind that shoots the GoPro into your butthole, up through your colon and into the stomach. Or, something like that…
All joking aside, if you are nearing 50 years-old or more (females or male), a colonoscopy is something that you need to add to your regular health exam list. My intention surrounding this post is to not discourage people to undergo the procedure. It’s on the healthy “older adult” list for a reason. Early colon cancer detection can save your life. According to the National Cancer Institute, the colon cancer survival rate is 92% when detected in stage one. So, when your doctor recommends you get one—sign up with a smile. It might save your life.
I had to have a colonoscopy because even though the docs have been 99% sure that my blood clots were the result of being on birth control pills, colon cancer runs in my family. A recent report, published in the journal BMJ, found that pills containing one of the newer types of progestogen hormone—drospirenone, desogestrel, gestodene, and cyproterone—are associated with a 1.5 to 1.8 times higher risk of blood clots than older versions of the pill, which contain levonorgestrel, norethisterone and norgestimate. I had a major wake-up call in January (http://bodyofeve.com/better-start-listening/) of this year and switched my birth control method to an IUD, which has been a good solution for me thus far.
Bottom-line, undergoing a colonoscopy is worth the peace of mind it can provide both you and your family. Keep a good sense of humor, suffer through the prep and let the camera run wild! You can do it!
Steph
Leave a Reply